my-blog

People who inspired me in the first year of college

Wed, 13 Nov 2013 09:54:25 +0100

The first year of college was awful. I tried to study foreign languages but the teachers and the students were kind of obnoxious. I was in love with English since the first grade, but Italian was a bit too much. There’s quite a big difference between speaking in Italian with my cousins in Italy and trying to speak with the obnoxious teachers. I know I keep repeating the word “obnoxious” but that’s just the best word to describe them. I hated the teachers there. And the students weren’t so great either. Still, I don’t regret losing one year of my life like that because I met some pretty awesome people too.

The girl with the cup of coffee

I was sitting in class one day, minding my own business, when some random girl sat next to me. I didn’t really care since I couldn’t get along with anyone and I thought I couldn’t get along with her either. After the class she told me her name and that put a creepy smile on my face because she had the same name as my imaginary friend. It sounds weird but it’s a long story so I won’t bother to explain. We soon became friends. She always had a smile on her face, no matter how awful things were. I could always count on her if I needed a long talk over a cup of coffee. She was really smart and interesting. She liked reading and writing. She talked a lot and somehow we always had something to talk about. I loved that about her.

The girl who fell in love with London

In the first weeks of college there was a girl who was always sitting alone and drawing. Still, whenever I sat next to her, she would talk to me. She even made me a drawing of myself. She could draw anime and ponies very well. In fact, everything she drew was cute, like her. Most of her drawings were about her and her boyfriend in London. I never believed long distance relationships would work, but she was so in love with him and so full of hope that she made it work. Now they are engaged and soon she will move there. The thing I loved the most about her is that she believed in her dreams and made them come true.

The girl from Macedonia

I was kind of bored at a seminar about English literature when I noticed a really cool girl. I thought she would never talk to me because she was so cool, but later on we started talking. She was an exchange student. She would always go to concerts, she even had a tattoo and her dream was to be a tattoo artist. She would rarely come to school, but when she did we had a lot of fun. I admired her because she wore her personality all over her body. Everything on the outside could tell you something about her. I think she kind of reminded me about who I used to be in high school and I really miss who I used to be. Her short dark hair, her awesome tattoo, her leather jacket, everything about her screamed “I’m awesome and I know it”.

The girl who loves Italy

I was sitting alone, listening to music and drawing before an Italian class when a girl that I barely ever talked to came to my desk and asked me about the music, then she said she loved my drawing and she asked me to draw her. I tried to do my best and I drew her. She loved it and she also liked the music that I liked. She gave me her e-mail and said that we should hang out. I finally managed to ask her out with me and my boyfriend and even though her boyfriend didn’t come it was not awkward at all. Later we got sleepy and she offered to let us sleep at her place. I was amazed. So far she is one of the most open-minded people I have ever met and I love that about her. I also admire the fact that she chose a college that she knew she would love and even though it’s really hard, she loves it and she struggles to make her dreams come true.

I almost forgot the most important part... The moral of this post is that you should never feel like you're not important because one way or another you might brighten up someone's day or even change their life. So be kind and keep in mind: you will always be remembered by the people you smiled to.

I love my life again

Sat, 04 Aug 2012 07:27:00 +0100

          Life has its ups and downs but that doesn't mean you should give up your hopes and dreams. Dealing with depression can be really hard, but it's not impossible. I will guide you through it with a few easy steps, but I can't say that it will be easy.
          First of all, you need to identify the reason why you are depressed. For me it was college. I couldn't fit in and I couldn't keep up with everything. I went from being one of the smart kids in high school to being one of the stupid ones in college and I couldn't handle it because it all happened so fast. That was the reason why I felt down and low and I couldn't enjoy life anymore.
          Second, you need to make a plan in order to get rid of the problem. My plan was to go to another college and start over. I could have studied and I could have finished and get my degree, but I analysed every possibility and trying to go on with this college would have destroyed my self esteem and I would have ended up being miserable for three whole years. And I just thought it wasn't worth it.
          The next step is the hardest. You need to go on with your plans even if it feels like the whole world is against you. It will be really difficult to talk everyone into accepting your decision, but it's your life so you should live it the way you want to. For me the hardest thing to do was convincing my dad to let me go to another college and I suffered a lot when he got mad at me and stopped talking to me and that was the worst feeling I have ever felt. Still, I managed to make him understand me and he went along with my plan. Don't worry if your plans just take a lot of time because you just need to picture yourself in that moment where it's all okay again and that will help you go on.
          Last but not least, you will accomplish your goal. It might seem like you have no chance and the world is crashing over your head, but you need to have hope. I found it really hard to accept that I didn't get into the college that I wanted, but after some time when some of the people who got in decided to abandon I got in and it felt like a miracle. It all changed so fast and I became so grateful to everyone who stood by me and of course to God, who seems to not be so mad at me anymore.
          This is how I managed to change my life for the better again. Still I wrote this here in order to remind you that life has its ups and downs and you can't always be at the top. You will often find yourself at the bottom wondering why you still struggle because everything seems impossible, but just remember that things will get better and you just need to hold on long enough to watch yourself spread your wings again.

What the fuck happened?!

Sun, 27 May 2012 19:09:20 +0100

I used to be so happy... I used to smile while listening to my mp3 and just walk aimlessly down the streets of my hometown. I used to meet my friends and hang out all the time. I used to be happy with myself even when I didn't ware any make-up and even though my hair was always messy. I used to love the rain and never use an umbrella. I used to go roller-skating alone and not feel like everyone was staring at me. I used to paint, draw, sing and write and it would make me so proud of myself. I used to feel good enough. I used to feel worth being loved. I used to feel beautiful and sometimes even hot. I used to make my parents proud. I used to have self esteem and stand up for myself. I used to be somebody...and not just anybody...I used to be the girl I have always wanted to be. I had good grades. I got involved in almost any activity just to help others. I did good deeds just to get that feeling that I was a part of this big, messed-up world. If someone loved me, I would love them back with no regrets and no borders. I used to believe in something above us, above the sky, beyond the clouds...and He used to look down at me and smile with joy. Now I feel like He is mad at me. I feel too ashamed to look up. I feel too scared to look ahead. I look beside me and almost everyone already left. I look down and feel worthless, then I look back and cry and I think to myself: "What the fuck happened?!"... I don't know how I got this way and I can't tell if I'll ever be okay again. I used to enjoy every single little thing like smelling the flowers, watching the sunset, walking through the forest, playing with my cat and I did every single thing with passion and devotion. Everything would make me smile. I would find magic and happiness in every little thing...in every single snowflake, in every single star, in every drop of rain, in every cup of coffee. Now I just let it all pass me by. I drink coffee to keep me awake, I walk through the rain because I can't stop it anyway, I don't take any pleasure out of anything anymore. I lost myself on the way to who I thought I wanted to be. I used to be perfect in my own eyes, but I let myself get so lost in that perfect image of me that I forgot to breathe. I couldn't keep that me alive for long. I ran after my dreams and thought that everything was worth sacrificing. I thought it would make me even happier, but I never realised it couldn't get any better. I didn't take any time to enjoy the beautiful things happening to me all the time.I didn't find that worth my time anymore because time was now so little. I put myself aside and let my dreams take over my perfect life. The perfect image I had of me is fading away. All I have now is a painting of who I used to be. I kiss its lips and cry myself to sleep and I always promise that I'll be that girl again. I promise it to myself...but not this me, the one that's in my head...the one that I used to be... The words "used to" always made me sad, but now they make me feel an unbearable pain like never before. Those words make me feel ashamed of who I am now. If you ask me who I am I might even answer: "Who am I now? That is not important, but I used to be somebody"... I miss feeling like I belong in a place full of people where nobody knows me. I miss my self esteem. I don't know why I am feeling so depressed, but I hope it will all pass soon. I want myself back so bad that I would even sell my own soul if only I could turn time back and start over. I hate feeling like this. It feels like everyone else has a purpose in life and they're fighting and struggling and they are closer to their goals with every step while I am watching them from the side of the road because I stopped trying. I stare at people's photos on facebook and wonder "When did they become better than me?", but the answer is so simple and it was in front of me this whole time. They became better the moment I stopped trying. I might make no sense but that's just because nothing is clear in my head anymore. I only write fragments of my life. Those who know me might understand what I'm saying, but they might need to explain it back to me all over again because I'm so messed up that I don't even make sense to myself anymore.

Everything's new and it sucks

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 12:19:09 +0100

When I started University in October it was awful. The first day I went there I was so scared that I cried on the way. When I got there I was still bursting into tears but I managed to hold them in, still I think my eyes were red. Anyway, nothing here was how I expected it to be: the city is noisy and tiring (not fun like I imagined), the university is difficult and annoying (not plesant and cool like I thought), the hostel is boring (not welcoming like it should be) and it's so stressful that I don't have any intimacy. The first weeks were horrible: I was grumpy all the time, I would cry every now and then and I even thought to myself that I am not able to get used to it and I might have to quit. However, people had an important role in making me get used to everything. First of all my boyfriend was always there for me and that helped me a lot because I didn't have to stay in the hostel all the time and he made me see the good parts in this awful situation. Secondly, I am grateful for the few friends I made at the university because they made me feel like I belong there and when they are there it's not so bad anymore. And last, but not least, I'm pretty proud of myself... I fell so fast and so hard (I started to hate everything all of a sudden, I made a really big deal out of this change and I didn't want to accept it, I gain weight again and started to hate myself, I stopped carying so much about how I look and how people see me) but at some point I looked back at myself and I started to miss who I used to be... and I'm proud that I realized that... Now I'm getting up again, I'm creating a stronger and better me who will be okay in the end and that really motivates me to struggle. I started to accept all of this shit and get used to it and started to see the good parts (like, hey, no parents to bother me :D)... And I wrote this here to tell you that no matter how awful something seems to you, it's like that just because you see it like that... Looking back it's not a big deal to move to another city and go to a crappy university and even thought it's not what you expected it to be, it's gonna be okay in the end if you believe. Of course, the road to that happy ending is full of shit, but you have to go through it in order to find your way back home...
Ehh... but no matter how optimistic the end might seem I will always miss high school and I still think that it was the best period of my life... still I'm kind of pissed at two of my friends because now they have no time for me anymore, but I'm glad I still have my best friend and I hope I always will...

Because some things are forever...

Fri, 04 Feb 2011 19:11:14 +0100

Okay here goes nothing… I can’t talk to you face to face about it right now because… I don’t know…I just can’t and you decided to write about it on a blog (I know I was the one who did that first xD) so I will just post this here just in case you will ever look through my page and find it… and I wish you would.. I love you… I still do… and it’s like it was in the beginning or even stronger.. you shown me that some things are forever… that our love was stronger than the hate I caused when I hurt you… I realized I done you wrong but it wasn’t because he meant more to me than you did...he never did…it was because I took your love for granted…I never even thought you could ever hate me…I hoped you could get over it and everything would be okay and all that…and I know I was stupid.. Now I realize how crappy life can be without you…and I need you in my life… I never met anyone like you and I am sure I never will… you can read my thoughts, you know how I feel by the way I say “hello”…you know that when I say “yes” it’s not always right and when I say “no” I sometimes wish I said yes… And I also got used to everything about you…the way you walk, talk, giggle, laugh, malefic laugh, hold my hand, hug me…the way you look at me and know what I want to say…your room, your hair, your lovely voice, your dog, even the old bubble gum you stuck to the back of your bed…your posters even though you tore apart the ones I gave you first…but I don’t blame you…your cute (sometimes porn) drawings, the quotes all over your furniture …your lazy laptop…your whole life style… the milk and coffee you make, the sandwiches, all that chocolate :D...the alcohol and smoke and everything that comes with it… the anime, manga and stories you make me watch or read or you read to me… the nights we spent together… the friends with benefits stuff… the music that you love and I sometimes don’t.. the music we both love… the things that make us so alike and still so different… I saw in you more than you can imagine… I loved the way you saw things because you had a personality and I felt like I never had one… you were sometimes mean or lazy or careless but not with me… and you never cared about the world but you always cared what I thought… and I never felt so heard… You shouldn’t blame yourself for not showing me how much you cared because I didn’t show you that either… and you sometimes needed me, but I didn’t know how to react… I need time to figure out nice things to say to people xD… and I know that hurt you… I’m sorry for that… and I’m sorry for taking him… I won’t go on saying he was not yours and all that…and I don’t want you to be happy for me… you can hate his guts… that’s okay… and if we ever get married you can ruin our wedding… All I ask of you is to take me back… the way I am… with my good and really awful parts…and I know my words are not enough right now, but I can still promise you it will be worth it… and the voices in your head, tell them I’m just fucked up… that doesn’t mean I don’t love you… I do… and I miss everything about you… what we have now is good enough, for now… if you can agree that we have something… I mean at least we talk it over somehow xD… I love the time we spend together and nothing compares to you… and I want to give it another chance even though it might take you a while to put your trust in me again… we can work through the tears together… what difference does it make if I cry here and you cry over there? I want to try to be your best friend again… ^_^ ??? You're still fucking perfect to me <3

Could Akira be here to help herself?

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 07:09:15 +0100

Maybe... Actually my name isn't even Akira. This is just a nickname my bff gave to me, but I like it. I believe to have two sides: one is nice and childish: Aida (the one I was before I met my bff) and one is crazy and sometimes mean: Akira (the one I was when we were bffs). Now I don't really know who I am anymore. I called this site "Akira is here to help you" because Akira is the one who always knows what to do when something is wrong because she thinks with her brain when Aida thinks with her heart. My real name is Adela (pretty nice name, huh?) but, being a very moody person, the way I will treat people often depends on how good my day was. Aida is the one who will walk up to you and ask how your day was with a smile on her face, while Akira will pass you by and barely say "Hello". That's because Aida cares about everyone and wants them to be happy, while Akira wants to be happy and doesn't give a damn if you're not. This was just a little introduction to the way my mind functions.
The point is I might be here to help myself. I made this site out of boredom but I never got bored of it. And it seems to me that lately I started writing more about myself and giving you less advice because I feel the need to open up to someone. I am not too much of a sociable person but I see this site as a second diary...of course I can't write here everything that I write in my diary, but this much is good enough. Anyway I would like to talk to anyone who reads my page if you have the time and willingness. I want to send long old-fashioned e-mails to people all over the world because I find it entertaining to just find out stuff about people's lives without getting involved in them. And I could tell you stuff about my life if you want me to. We could even try to be friends. So what do you say? Want to give it a try? Check out the "Talk to me" section... And thanks for being here to listen to me ^_^

This was supposed to be our fairytale...

Mon, 27 Dec 2010 07:41:43 +0100

"This was supposed to be our fairytale...", that's how the song my best friend wrote me begins. I guess it was never supposed to end up like this. I feel like writing about it because it just hurts to keep it inside, but every time I try to talk about it I just burst into tears so I don't really know what is the best thing to do right now...
    In life we all have to take decisions.. Me and my best friend used to like the same guy. She confessed to him and he rejected her. After a while he fell in love with me and asked me to be with him...and I said "yes"... This is how it all ended. All the moments of pure happiness me and my best friend had, all the memories didn't seem to matter anymore. She says I chose him over her. I say she pushed me away. If I were in her place I would have forgiven myself because she never really had a chance with him, but it looks like I was never that important to her.
    Anyway this is not what I wanted to talk about... What I want to point out is that everyone loses someone precious at least once in their lives and it hurts... It hurts so bad... And you wish you could stop thinking about it, but you can't. And all those memories, they keep coming back to you playing like a movie in your head. And you know that person hurt you or got you mad so many times but now it doesn't seem to matter anymore. Now you can only remember the beautiful moments you spend together. And you cry while listening to that stupid song you two used to love. And you know that somewhere she is doing the same thing. Or at least you wish she was. And you wish you could have her back, but she doesn't want you back anymore. You realized you hurt her in a way that no one else could because she put all her trust in you and you broke it. She gave you her dreams and you stole them away from her. And you used to be everything she ever wanted to be, but now you're not anymore. She wishes to be in your place, but not like before. Now she hates your guts...and you just lay there thinking you deserve it.
    All those thoughts are caused by a phase of depression, but you can get over it if you put yourself together. The only people I need in my life are the ones who need me in theirs. And she doesn't need me anymore. Right now she is doing everything she can to hurt me. And I almost gave up my birthday party for her. Everyone was waiting for me and I went to her place to beg her to come. That was the last act of peace I tried to make. I wanted to make it work, but it wasn't supposed to be our fairytale... It was her who got me wrong all along and never understood anything I tried to do. And she loves to see me hurt because I hurt her. I understand that. But I know if I was in her place I wouldn't have reacted the way she did. Maybe if she was in my pace she wouldn't have dated the boy I liked either, but I guess I can't be sure of that. A small part of me tells me she wouldn't have hesitated for a second to accept his proposal. But I don't blame her.
    Meeting her was a major twist in my story. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. And I was the best thing that happened to her. We influenced each other's personality and tastes and everything. We were happy with ourselves and never needed anyone else. The sad part is we never realized how much we depended on each other. What we had was beyond friendship or love. It was more. We used to love each other unconditionally like sisters who made out from time to time. It was great, but it was not how things were supposed to be. Then that guy came around and changed us. It happened so fast and so painful. And I don't know how she manages to go on living, because I would have never been able to get over this kind of break-up if I didn't have anyone beside me. The end of our story made each one of us find her own path. She chose the wrong one with smoke and alcohol and all that. That reminds me of a movie we never got to watch: "Diary of a bridge drinker". And I ended up in the arms of a great guy. If it wasn't for her pressuring me to break up with him (she didn't really ask me to do that, she just said she hates us being together and she cried in front of me), I wouldn't have been with him now. If she was that sweet great girl I used to know, I would have given him up. But she started to show me that other side of her and pushed me away. And that was good for me. After we ended, each one of us started to develop her own personality and surrounded herself with other people trying to find her place. We don't depend on anyone anymore and I don't know if we will ever be able to commit ourselves that much with anyone else again after the pain we both went through...
    I think it was good for us after all. We both learned how to let go. She learned that things aren't always what they seem (because at first I said I wouldn't date him), but so did I (because she said she would always love me no matter what)... I don't think I was wrong trying to find happiness when she would have never been with him anyway, but I don't think she was wrong either because she wanted to be happy too and she just couldn't be happy with me anymore. I guess shit happens and things go wrong but I still believe that everything happens for a reason... We fell apart so that each one of us could build herself back up on her own. I don't say that it's easy for me or that I wouldn't want us to be the way we were before, but I just think a true friend would have been happy for me... No one will ever replace her in my heart because she was the best, but the way she is now, I just don't want her anymore.
    To conclude, life sucks sometimes, but you have to have the strength to move on because you should care about yourself before you care about anyone else. People are creatures who make mistakes and do stupid stuff just because and they don't always realize when they hurt you. If you want to be happy with yourself and the life ahead of you, you have to accept how some people are not worth your tears anymore, but always remember how they used to make you happy by just existing. P.S. I miss who you used to be ...

Friendship

Sun, 31 Oct 2010 12:34:45 +0100

Friendship

First of all there is a friend I want to talk about.

Even though sometimes she’s quiet, she really loves to shout.

She loves to argue if it’s not about serious stuff

And she makes everybody think that she is really tough.

She often watches anime and dreams about gay guys;

She drools over some boys at school and really hates goodbyes.

She might make you pay for it if you ever make her mad,

But I’ll make sure you’ll regret it if you ever treat her bad.

If I say something stupid she’ll stand and laugh with me.

She always makes a lot of plans for going to the sea.

I love it when she holds my hand and when I see her smile

And when she’s drunk with me I just feel happy for a while.

She would do anything with me, she’d even go to prison.

I know she loves me really much, I just don’t know the reason.

There is another friend of mine I really love to see.

Sometimes I think I care for her because she’s just like me.

What’s different is that she thinks that boys are all the same,

But for this I know her ex-boyfriends are to blame.

She wants to change who she is now from who she was before,

She wants to make her life worthwhile and maybe live it more.

If she ever makes a choice, she tries not to think twice

And she’s the one I’m gonna run to if I need advice.

She thinks she’s a horrible person, but I think she’s great;

She worries about her hair and cares about her weight.

If she feels crappy or just sad, she’ll ask me for a hug,

But if I’m ever feeling bad, she’ll lift me like a drug.

If we spend too much time alone, we’ll always get depressed.

We’ll both complain about our lives, but live them at our best.

This is for another girl who’s fun to be around.

She loves to take me for a walk whenever she’s in town.

She always worries about maths and sometimes about school,

But if we ever worry, she’ll say we should stay cool.

She talks a lot and often she just makes a lot of noise,

But I just love to talk to her when it comes to boys.

She likes to take long walks, but she hates to walk alone

And if you ever need something, she will be on the phone.

She sometimes gets mad, but she’s funny when she does

And if she’s prone to argue, she’ll do it just because.

When she wants something, she won’t have to say it twice,

But the way she says it, just makes her look nice.

She wants to have a lot of friends and parties and stuff,

But every time we are together, I feel like we’re enough.

There’s a guy with whom I have a lot of fun,

But sometimes he just loves to take on everyone.

He loves to say that no one really knows him at all

And if you need something, he’s not the one to call.

He thinks he is the best, I think that’s immature,

But maybe he just hides the pain and wants to feel secure.

If he wants, he can be sweet, but he’s still a jerk after

And even though he gets me mad, he always brings me laughter.

I might be the only one who thinks he’s a deep thinker,

When everybody else will say that he’s just a beer drinker.

He always laughs at me and makes me feel like crap

And sometimes I just wish I could give him a slap.

To see the good side in him, I don’t know why I try,

I guess he’s just an asshole like any other guy.

There is another guy I like to hang out with,

But the way I can stand him is really still a myth.

He often just talks maths and stories about war

And when he talks about something, he’s just hard to ignore.

Sometimes he’s really funny, sometimes I think he’s sick

And when he’s drunk he makes me wonder if he’s thinking with his dick.

So many times he proved me he can also be polite,

But then he asked for a blowjob and I started a fight.

He’s usually late for every single meeting

And he loves food, but you don’t wanna see him eating.

He loved and he was hurt, now he loves money,

But he wouldn’t refuse a playboy bunny.

He sometimes makes me think he is obsessed,

But he’s still just a guy, like all the rest.

Last but not least there is this girl who just writes silly stuff,

Because she thinks showing her feelings might not be enough.

Some people say she is a bitch, I think she is a whore,

‘Cause she gives love to everyone and never asks for more.

And sometimes I really think it must suck to be her;

Although sometimes she thinks she’s great, she’s really insecure.

She can never make up her mind on anything at all

And if you ever make her mad, she’ll be out of control.

She hates to argue and she’ll rarely say what’s on her mind.

She tries to change herself to be just funny, sweet and kind.

And if you don’t know, you might think she locks herself inside,

But if you’ll ever make her talk, you’ll see the opposite.

And even if she’ll sometimes shout or otherwise pretend,

She promises to do her best to keep you as her friend…

Things I found out about love

Sun, 31 Oct 2010 12:38:27 +0100

     It doesn't last forever. No matter how strong your feeling may seem, you're constantly changing and so is your lover; this is why feelings fade away. It's true even though it's sad.

     You can't make someone fall in love with you, no matter how hard you try. You probably couldn't do that even if you could read that person's mind. He/She may already have feelings for someone else and that's impossible for you to change. Even if he/she doesn't care about anyone else, that doesn't mean he/she could fall for you. If someone loves you, you don't have to struggle to get his/her attention; if you have to do that, then he/she is obviously not into you and might never be.

     You can't give orders to your heart. If you don't like someone, don't date him/her just hopeing you will eventually fall in love with him/her in the end. That's not going to happen. Also if you are in love with someone, don't try to deny it. You're only lying to yourself. You will still feel that strange feeling in your stomach when he/she looks at you, still feel shivers down your spine when he/she touches you and still find it impossible to find your words when he/she talks to you. There's pretty much nothing you can do about it.

     Love is crazy. It can make you do just about anything. When you're in love you just don't care about anything else apart from the one you love. You will do anything for his/her attention. You will make a complete fool of yourself. You will get hurt. But in the end you will still find him/her worth it.

     Love is amazing. It gives you a certain state that you longed so much for all your life. Even the smallest gesture of the one you love can make you dance around in circles. Everything about him/her will make you happy. You will eventually become obsessed by him/her and that will change you radically. It will cause you such pain that you can't even imagine. But it will be worth every single tear.

     Love is a bitch. You have to get your heart broken a few times until you'll find the one to fix it forever. But once you found that someone, nothing else will matter anymore. Love will give you wings. Don't stay away from it no matter what. Don't pay any attention to people telling you how you should stand your ground. Just allow yourself to be happy. It will all be worth it. When you will look back, it's not the pain that's going to matter, but the wonderful moments. ^_^

Why am I who I am today?

Sun, 31 Oct 2010 12:40:18 +0100

     I shouldn't be posting this here, but I will. You can judge me and make fun of me; I don't really care that much anymore. Here is the story of my life. When I was little I was an adorable little angel...as I grew a bit older I started to become a sort of adorable kind of big pumpkin... I was a really fat kid. And that really affected me, the way I saw things and the way I treated people. I always tried to be nice to everyone and help everyone so that they wouldn't push me away for being fat. Everyone used me because I would do anything for some attention. I would make homework for the whole class and share my food and everything I had. I had a few close friends and even they were using me and making fun of me when I wasn't around.
     As I started to understand things I fell in love with a boy from my class. All he ever did was make fun of me but I found that really cute since he was one of the few boys who ever talked to me. He had a fat girlfriend once and that made me feel like I could have a chance, like maybe he could try to love me. When I got a bit older I went on a summer camp with some girls who didn't even talk to me in school, but I thought we could try to be friends. On that camp I met another boy who was also making fun of me and I really liked him. When I got back I thought to myself that I could change something, that I could become better and when I was going to look amazing, he was going to want to be mine and I would turn him down. Anyway I went back to school and saw that boy again (the one I liked before camp) and I was even more motivated to change.
     When I was in the 7th grade I was on a diet for about half a year I think. I tried so hard not to eat much and to stay away from things with many calories. It wasn't really hard because my parents were on my side and they did their best for me to stay on diet. They would always buy fruits and vegetables and make me diet food. I also worked out a lot. When I started the 8th grade I was almost slim and I was feeling alright with myself. After half a year my dad decided to buy me contact lenses after a class mate came to school with blue eyes. I had visual problems and I used to wear glasses so I was really happy to hear that I could get rid of them. The first days were the worst. I put them on and it was okay but it was really hard to take them off. It took me a lot of time to get used to them but I kept thinking about how I would look if I wore them so I managed to wear them everyday. After some time I started working out again and I got really slim and comfortable with myself.
    Being an ugly kid made me try to have a nice personality, but in fact all I did was let others step over me. It took me a long time to realize that I was supposed to care about myself too. When I started to feel good in my skin I started to hate others so my first relationships didn't really go that well. I would always find something wrong about the boys I dated and that made me push them away. I could say I hurt a few people while I was too busy trying to figure myself out. I am really sorry about that. The next relationships went pretty well but I couldn't stick around for too long because I just got sick of every boy. I tried to fall in love so many times but it seemed like it would never work. My longest relationship ended up with me hurting the other really, really bad and I want to mention that I am really, really sorry for all the pain I caused him.

Right now I am happy with who I am. I love my life. I am happy with the way I look and the way I see things. I could say I am a bit of a narcissist. It took me too long to realize that life doesn’t keep any big change around the corner for you, so if you want to change something you have to work a lot. I wrote this here to let you know that the power is in your own hands. You can do anything you want to, but only if you really want to. If you really want something, really bad, you can make it with a bit of motivation and a bit of effort. A great friend once told me that life is whatever we make it. He was right :)