"This was supposed to be our fairytale...", that's how the song my best friend wrote me begins. I guess it was never supposed to end up like this. I feel like writing about it because it just hurts to keep it inside, but every time I try to talk about it I just burst into tears so I don't really know what is the best thing to do right now...
    In life we all have to take decisions.. Me and my best friend used to like the same guy. She confessed to him and he rejected her. After a while he fell in love with me and asked me to be with him...and I said "yes"... This is how it all ended. All the moments of pure happiness me and my best friend had, all the memories didn't seem to matter anymore. She says I chose him over her. I say she pushed me away. If I were in her place I would have forgiven myself because she never really had a chance with him, but it looks like I was never that important to her.
    Anyway this is not what I wanted to talk about... What I want to point out is that everyone loses someone precious at least once in their lives and it hurts... It hurts so bad... And you wish you could stop thinking about it, but you can't. And all those memories, they keep coming back to you playing like a movie in your head. And you know that person hurt you or got you mad so many times but now it doesn't seem to matter anymore. Now you can only remember the beautiful moments you spend together. And you cry while listening to that stupid song you two used to love. And you know that somewhere she is doing the same thing. Or at least you wish she was. And you wish you could have her back, but she doesn't want you back anymore. You realized you hurt her in a way that no one else could because she put all her trust in you and you broke it. She gave you her dreams and you stole them away from her. And you used to be everything she ever wanted to be, but now you're not anymore. She wishes to be in your place, but not like before. Now she hates your guts...and you just lay there thinking you deserve it.
    All those thoughts are caused by a phase of depression, but you can get over it if you put yourself together. The only people I need in my life are the ones who need me in theirs. And she doesn't need me anymore. Right now she is doing everything she can to hurt me. And I almost gave up my birthday party for her. Everyone was waiting for me and I went to her place to beg her to come. That was the last act of peace I tried to make. I wanted to make it work, but it wasn't supposed to be our fairytale... It was her who got me wrong all along and never understood anything I tried to do. And she loves to see me hurt because I hurt her. I understand that. But I know if I was in her place I wouldn't have reacted the way she did. Maybe if she was in my pace she wouldn't have dated the boy I liked either, but I guess I can't be sure of that. A small part of me tells me she wouldn't have hesitated for a second to accept his proposal. But I don't blame her.
    Meeting her was a major twist in my story. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. And I was the best thing that happened to her. We influenced each other's personality and tastes and everything. We were happy with ourselves and never needed anyone else. The sad part is we never realized how much we depended on each other. What we had was beyond friendship or love. It was more. We used to love each other unconditionally like sisters who made out from time to time. It was great, but it was not how things were supposed to be. Then that guy came around and changed us. It happened so fast and so painful. And I don't know how she manages to go on living, because I would have never been able to get over this kind of break-up if I didn't have anyone beside me. The end of our story made each one of us find her own path. She chose the wrong one with smoke and alcohol and all that. That reminds me of a movie we never got to watch: "Diary of a bridge drinker". And I ended up in the arms of a great guy. If it wasn't for her pressuring me to break up with him (she didn't really ask me to do that, she just said she hates us being together and she cried in front of me), I wouldn't have been with him now. If she was that sweet great girl I used to know, I would have given him up. But she started to show me that other side of her and pushed me away. And that was good for me. After we ended, each one of us started to develop her own personality and surrounded herself with other people trying to find her place. We don't depend on anyone anymore and I don't know if we will ever be able to commit ourselves that much with anyone else again after the pain we both went through...
    I think it was good for us after all. We both learned how to let go. She learned that things aren't always what they seem (because at first I said I wouldn't date him), but so did I (because she said she would always love me no matter what)... I don't think I was wrong trying to find happiness when she would have never been with him anyway, but I don't think she was wrong either because she wanted to be happy too and she just couldn't be happy with me anymore. I guess shit happens and things go wrong but I still believe that everything happens for a reason... We fell apart so that each one of us could build herself back up on her own. I don't say that it's easy for me or that I wouldn't want us to be the way we were before, but I just think a true friend would have been happy for me... No one will ever replace her in my heart because she was the best, but the way she is now, I just don't want her anymore.
    To conclude, life sucks sometimes, but you have to have the strength to move on because you should care about yourself before you care about anyone else. People are creatures who make mistakes and do stupid stuff just because and they don't always realize when they hurt you. If you want to be happy with yourself and the life ahead of you, you have to accept how some people are not worth your tears anymore, but always remember how they used to make you happy by just existing. P.S. I miss who you used to be ...