I used to be so happy... I used to smile while listening to my mp3 and just walk aimlessly down the streets of my hometown. I used to meet my friends and hang out all the time. I used to be happy with myself even when I didn't ware any make-up and even though my hair was always messy. I used to love the rain and never use an umbrella. I used to go roller-skating alone and not feel like everyone was staring at me. I used to paint, draw, sing and write and it would make me so proud of myself. I used to feel good enough. I used to feel worth being loved. I used to feel beautiful and sometimes even hot. I used to make my parents proud. I used to have self esteem and stand up for myself. I used to be somebody...and not just anybody...I used to be the girl I have always wanted to be. I had good grades. I got involved in almost any activity just to help others. I did good deeds just to get that feeling that I was a part of this big, messed-up world. If someone loved me, I would love them back with no regrets and no borders. I used to believe in something above us, above the sky, beyond the clouds...and He used to look down at me and smile with joy. Now I feel like He is mad at me. I feel too ashamed to look up. I feel too scared to look ahead. I look beside me and almost everyone already left. I look down and feel worthless, then I look back and cry and I think to myself: "What the fuck happened?!"... I don't know how I got this way and I can't tell if I'll ever be okay again. I used to enjoy every single little thing like smelling the flowers, watching the sunset, walking through the forest, playing with my cat and I did every single thing with passion and devotion. Everything would make me smile. I would find magic and happiness in every little thing...in every single snowflake, in every single star, in every drop of rain, in every cup of coffee. Now I just let it all pass me by. I drink coffee to keep me awake, I walk through the rain because I can't stop it anyway, I don't take any pleasure out of anything anymore. I lost myself on the way to who I thought I wanted to be. I used to be perfect in my own eyes, but I let myself get so lost in that perfect image of me that I forgot to breathe. I couldn't keep that me alive for long. I ran after my dreams and thought that everything was worth sacrificing. I thought it would make me even happier, but I never realised it couldn't get any better. I didn't take any time to enjoy the beautiful things happening to me all the time.I didn't find that worth my time anymore because time was now so little. I put myself aside and let my dreams take over my perfect life. The perfect image I had of me is fading away. All I have now is a painting of who I used to be. I kiss its lips and cry myself to sleep and I always promise that I'll be that girl again. I promise it to myself...but not this me, the one that's in my head...the one that I used to be... The words "used to" always made me sad, but now they make me feel an unbearable pain like never before. Those words make me feel ashamed of who I am now. If you ask me who I am I might even answer: "Who am I now? That is not important, but I used to be somebody"... I miss feeling like I belong in a place full of people where nobody knows me. I miss my self esteem. I don't know why I am feeling so depressed, but I hope it will all pass soon. I want myself back so bad that I would even sell my own soul if only I could turn time back and start over. I hate feeling like this. It feels like everyone else has a purpose in life and they're fighting and struggling and they are closer to their goals with every step while I am watching them from the side of the road because I stopped trying. I stare at people's photos on facebook and wonder "When did they become better than me?", but the answer is so simple and it was in front of me this whole time. They became better the moment I stopped trying. I might make no sense but that's just because nothing is clear in my head anymore. I only write fragments of my life. Those who know me might understand what I'm saying, but they might need to explain it back to me all over again because I'm so messed up that I don't even make sense to myself anymore.